Sunday: The London Eye and Tea at Bea's

“Look ma, I’m on top of the world!” – Don certainly enjoyed his trip on the London Eye but completely ruined the group photograph at the end by jostling Lorna so much that a pillar obliterated her completely. I also seemed to have hands growing out of my head. When we disembarked we gratefully hailed a cab to Bea’s house. Amelia had joined us for the day and had completely charmed Lorna – I am extremely wary of her when she’s nice so spent the whole day edging round her, waiting for the axe to fall. Not that she noticed, she was too busy chattering.

Still, Bea did us proud. Alfonso managed to keep a lid on his histrionics and I got to grill my sister about Enormous Au Pair’s parents. We hadn’t really had the chance to update each other but EAP was a changed person Bea was happy to report - “she only had four pancakes for breakfast” - and had agreed that perhaps her eating habits had got a little out of hand.

“Darling, it was just awful!” my dear sister said as she waved guests regally into the Dining Room. Bea lowered her voice at this point, even though Juan and Claudia had returned to Argentina days ago “I was expecting ranch hands, you know, because EAP keeps telling me how hard they work on the estancia – they own the estancia! Juan owns hundreds of horses and is a millionaire! He’s something big in the polo world!”

It transpired that Bea had sent a white stretch limo to the airport to collect them, thinking that she’ll immediately have them on the back foot only to hear Claudia say “At home we have thees as a’three foot longair wiz the window teents” when she unfolded herself from the depths on Bea’s drive. “Nice leetle house” Claudia continued as she walked round Bea’s six bedroomed house (with room for a swimming pool in the grounds) and perched delicately on the very edge of the silk damask covered chaise longue. Juan was extremely tanned and “very debonair darling, he showed me his jacket which was made in his polo colours” and, on his departure five days after their arrival, offered to fly Bea and Stephen out for a forthcoming polo tournament. “You weel stay weeth us I theek, we ‘ave the sisteen bedrooms in our leetle house” Claudia said as she removed herself from her hysterical daughter with a torrent of what sounded like abuse.

“I did have so much fun with them darling – especially when I suggested to Claudia that she have her moustache and beard removed by my wonderful beautician Estoria. She was absolutely livid!” Bea shot off at this point – she had seen Don rifling through her drinks cupboard looking for “some of the damn bourbon Stephen just promised me”.

We left at around 6.30 - having first ensured that dad’s cousins had all left the premises – with plenty of time to take Amelia back to Sevenoaks. She had, however, wangled herself an invitation to join us at the Tower of London on Monday and was expecting bed and board Chez Moi. And then she said “And as I’m going to Harrods with you on Tuesday and then Kensington Palace on Wednesday, I might as well stay until Thursday” David nearly crashed Marisa.

Guilt presents: none but I did bring back a huuuuge Tarte Au Citron from Bea's