Saturday, 29 March 2008

Pipework

My Sort of Step Son Matthew rang yesterday morning at twenty to eleven and asked "Have you got Mac with you?" I looked towards my pride and my boy who was painting at the kitchen table dressed in an old pillow case. "Yes" I answered. "Are you doing anything.....major.....at the moment?" Matt continued. "No" I said, looking towards my nearly empty cup of tea wistfully. "Good, can you do me a favour and go to that plumbing place you have near you and get me a length of copper piping?"

That's not the strangest request I've ever received on a Friday morning but it was up there with the best of them.

It appeared that Matt was laying laminate flooring in Lydia's kitchen (Lydia having "inherited" the house from her housemate Julia who loves her new job in York so much she's decided to stay there) and, whilst ripping up the old lino, "nicked" the water pipe with his screwdriver. He was currently holding a "wodge of tea towels" onto the offending hole whilst waiting for the pipes to drain down. "Does Lydia know about this?" I asked suspiciously, already planning the quickest route to Beckenham. "She knows about the laminate flooring, but not about the pipe" said Matt. Somewhat soggily.

The place near me was shut, so I drove off and hoped I happened upon a plumbers merchant before I reached Beckenham. Fifteen minutes later I was being leered at by Bearded Man in the Plumbing Shop as I arrived at his grubby and cracked counter with Mac in tow. Thoughts of Mya's recent post ran through my mind as I took in the busty blonde (Miss March) on the calendar over by the box of bath plugs. She was holding a U-bend and grinning inanely wearing a wet look gold bikini. Mac took off to inspect the toilet bowls stacked over by the door. I asked for copper piping. Bearded Man shouted through to "Kev" in the back room. "How long do you want it?" Bearded Man asked me as he investigated the contents of his nose with his left forefinger. "For as long as my friend has the kitchen" I said imperiously.

I rang Matt and barked "How long do you want this pipe?" at him, hopefully giving the impression that I did this sort of thing every day. "They'll only sell it in feet, one'll do" came the reply, along with a complaint that "the sodding system isn't draining down". "Just a foot" I said snootily as Kev appeared from the back room. "Lady wants 12 inches" Bearded Man leered with a throaty laugh.

If it wasn't for the fact that I had visions of Matt drowning in Lydia's kitchen and could see Lydia's horrified face when she came home from a hard day of organising events to find an indoor paddling pool, Bearded Man would have needed a highly skilled medical team to remove the copper piping from the orifice I had in mind.

5 comments:

dulwichmum said...

Perfect Nunheadmum of one,

Surely they sell this pipe in different girths too? OHMYGOD! What am I saying...

By the way, where has Debio gone? I have been hoping that she would pop back for weeks - but she appears to be gone...

NOOOOOOO

Bx

Mya said...

They should have one of those awful signs on the door 'You don't have to be a patronising, sexist, git to work here - but it helps/is a necessary condition of employment.' It's not as if plumbing is rocket science, for crikey's sake.Poor you - it shouldn't be allowed in a modern, civilised country!

Oh, thanks for the link by the way!

Mya x

marriedwithfour said...

Oh don't as I read it - I had visions of you sticking that pipe where the sun doesn't shine - brilliant!

aims said...

What oh what is the world coming to? If the idiot thinks that 12 inches is enough..my goodness...

Kelly said...

Would say something witty but all the best quips have been taken...

All about me

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Nunhead, London, United Kingdom
I'm a mum of one, wife of one and owner to several dogs, a variety of breeds and sizes. I live in the up and coming area (or so they say) of Nunhead and have mad neighbours, strange friends and certifiable relatives. I shop locally, although I do defect to Sainsburys once a week - shoot me now local shopkeepers.