Planning, Packing and Pampering

This time next week I’ll be in Ibiza – I’ve started my packing for The Hen Weekend. All of a sudden it seems so close! David and Mac are putting the finishing touches to their itinerary. On Thursday after nursery they’re taking the dogs to Dulwich Park – David rarely walks the dogs so this will be interesting, they never do as he tells them. On Friday after nursery they’re going to Pizza Hut for dinner and then back home for some DVDs and popcorn. On Saturday Mac is horse riding (I’ve already asked him to say hi to Blue for me and give him a carrot) in the morning and playing golf in the afternoon and on Sunday they’re going for a kick-about in the park and then out for Sunday lunch. I overheard Mac telling David that The Rye allows children in before six. Hm. Real boys stuff.

Janey is also in full planning mode – she keeps ringing me up with the names of clubs we’ve “so got to go to babes!”. Worryingly, they all have names like Heat, Pump, Groin and Bump n Grind and feature such delights as a foam machine and dance cage. Bea aims to look for a classy wine bar and become a regular. I haven’t told her that the chances of finding a classy wine bar in Ibiza are slim. Janey’s also planned a day on the beach on the Friday – the local beach isn’t that far away and, according to Janey who has been surfing the net, the lifeguards “look well hot”.

Bea is like a cat on hot bricks – she came home earlier than usual from work last night and found that the Exotic Au Pair had cooked beefburgers and chips for the children’s tea. She was not impressed at all, less so when Caitlin revealed that they’d had the same meal “with red sauce” the day before and the day before that too. “How can I leave my cherubs with a woman who thinks that chips are a staple food group?” she wailed to me. The Exotic Au Pair has put on at least a stone since she’s been here – she’s discovered Mr Kipling cakes and Marks and Spencers onion ring crisps. Bea is quite pleased about this “Not so much Exotic any longer, more Enormous” but doesn’t want her children to partake in any of the fast food delights, the empty cartons of which litter the au pair’s room.

This has prompted me to write a handy little guide for David. “No sweets before lunch (and only on Saturday), lots of veggies and salad and make sure he eats at least two pieces of fruit a day”. David perused it last night and slotted it behind the plant in the kitchen, exchanging looks with Mac. Gladys is now the running joke in our house (sorry Gladys, in a nice way though!). “If I’m greeted with a pile of sugar on the work surface when I get home, I’ll know you’ve fed him nothing but sweets.” I warned, whisking a pile of T-shirts upstairs. I could hear them both laughing as I hauled the suitcase out from under the bed. Hm.

David’s “working from home” today – he’s still in his PJs and is watching TV, a pile of spreadsheets teetering on the kitchen table. As we left for nursery, he promised me a present for when I got back. And he delivered – it’s a voucher for a manicure, pedicure, waxing and spray tan at our local health club place. He knows I’m a bit concerned about holidaying with the Skinnies and so thought this would help me “to feel much better”. Have I mentioned that I love him very much?

I don’t much fancy going on my own so I rang Lydia to see if she fancied coming along – she’s up for the waxing and the pedicure. “Mind you” she mused as I told her what my lovely husband had done for me “I’d look at it like he was agreeing that you’re not as good as the Skinnies and need waxing and stuff”. I refuse to let Lydia’s general down on men ruin my lovely surprise. But I did have a quick look at my, erm, bits that are booked for a wax and they’re not that bad so he can’t be thinking that. Can he? Have I mentioned that sometimes I’m gripped with paranoia?

Not only that but Mac has been invited to a sleep-over at friend Ben’s house on Saturday night so I’ll be able to flaunt my pedicure, manicure, tan and waxed bits for my lovely husband without fear of a small voice asking me an embarrassing question. Yesterday morning, Mac barged into the bathroom whilst I was brushing my teeth and went into fits of laughter. “Mummy, when you brush your teeth, your bits wobble!”

Perhaps I can book in for a quick liposuction as well?