Catch-up 2 of 5: Friday, Sun, Sea, Sand and Shouting

The entire villa was littered with tiny skirts, teeny pants and practically non-existent bras for the entire weekend. I fell over a pile of shoes when I rose at half past nine to find Bea and Charlie swimming lengths in the pool and Sue stretched out on a sun lounger. The rest of the villa were asleep, I’m not sure what time everyone else got back but there was lots of laughing and giggling and falling over. I could hear Toria chattering away – she sounds like a duck at a distance. Bea, sensible lady that she is, did a head count at half past 8 when she got up. “They’re all back anyway” she said, having fully recovered from her foaming of the previous night. We breakfasted on fresh fruit and cereal and we all ended up in hysterics over Bea’s Bad Experience. “I wish I had my camera!” Charlie spluttered.

By 10.30, we four were set for the beach and set off to tell the rest of our happy gang. Luce, Maria and Lizzie were still slumped in bed and barely raised a groan. Janey and Ivy were having a Mother and Daughter row about “loose morals” and barely heard us. We headed off beachwards and had a lovely day. It was glorious and I’ve got quite a colour on top of my fake one. I also did what I said I wouldn’t do and rang David – he and Mac were fine he said and all three dogs demolished their dinner and had a fight over a rawhide bone last night so weren’t pining. I wasn’t sure if I felt miffed at that or not.

We got back to the villa at about six – there was much evidence that food had been consumed and the place was empty apart from Melissa and Luce. Melissa was poolside wearing a bikini and a sour expression, Luce was the other side of the villa in the gardens on the exercise bike outside my bedroom window. The atmosphere was palpable. I tentatively asked Luce if all was okay. She huffed something and pedalled faster. Charlie had already asked Melissa that question when I joined them by the pool. Melissa was in full flow and Bea’s eyebrows where near her hairline. Apparently, the youth (Derek from Lincoln) that Luce was, erm, performing with the previous evening had already been earmarked by Melissa as “hers”. “It was all agreed while we were in the loos, I’d have Derek, she’d have his mate Paul” Melissa yelled, obviously hoping that Luce would hear her.

Luce, being a “like, total slapper” conveniently forgot about this in the heat of the moment on the dance floor, stripped off and – egged on by a bunch of lads and lasses from Croydon – “got it on and stuff” leaving Melissa with “Dorky Paul who kept trying to stick his tongue down my throat”. The two women had been at loggerheads ever since. Everyone else was out at the beach and had therefore missed the pyrotechnic row. “She went mental!” Luce whined, stroking her hair. Despite the arguments, they had both managed to make a dent in the newly restocked fridge. The maid was on the premises, tutting at the amount of wet towels in every bathroom. Charlie introduced herself as Jonathan’s girlfriend and the maid merely sniffed “you all everyone say that” she muttered as she shoved a pineapple in the fruit bowl.

Gradually, the rest of the party came filtering back. Lou, Ivy and Serena had spent the day wandering round the town and came back loaded with souvenirs and huge packets of crisps and pretzels – the rest had been at the beach, Lisa with no sun protection by the look of her. She was red raw and hobbling. “Silly mare fell asleep!” Janey sniggered as she flopped into the pool. “Quick change and then out again girls, yeah?” she said as she surfaced. The Sensible Ones (me, Bea, Charlie, Ivy and Sue) declined graciously. “Oh come on babes” Jackie pouted as she stripped down to a diaphanous bikini. “We’re going back to that club with the foam tonight”.

Even more reason not to go then.

Melissa and Luce were still not speaking but they were doing an awful lot of shouting at each other. Sides were being taken too. Serena, Toria and Janey were on Melissa’s side while Lizzie, Lisa and Maria were siding with Luce. The two women stood at either end of the kitchen table screeching at each other, hands on hips, expletives spilling out of cherry red lips, bosoms heaving. Lou was egging them on, cackling like a loon, especially when the tattooed Derek arrived with Dorky Paul. Luce immediately went from fishwife to seductress……until Melissa shoved her unceremoniously into the pool. Melissa, Janey and Toria then sped off in a car, their brake lights bobbing down the drive way angrily. Serena was left behind because she wasn’t quick enough across the terrace, having stopped off on the way to pick up a big bag of crisps.

Once the Bimbola’s and Lou had left, The Sensible Ones (including Serena) had a lovely evening – we had a gorgeous paella cooked by Sue and some lovely wine from the racks in the utility room. Auntie Ivy got drunker than I’ve ever seen her and started telling us how much she loved Uncle Jim before going off to ring him to tell him just that. After three attempts to dial - “Ere, what’s the code for England?” - she reached him but he was on his way out to the pub and so couldn’t talk. Everyone then drifted off to their respective bedrooms, apart from Serena who headed for the fridge, and I who headed for one of the palatial bathrooms and a lovely long, hot, sweet smelling bath. Bliss.

Now this is what I call a holiday!