Emergency Exit

Bea rang this morning in a panic - she was struggling to remember the Emergency Lecture from her flight to Mauritius (over the Christmas holiday). When I asked her why, she said "Because darling, I'm pretty sure that they don't do that on budget flights". She whispered the word "budget" just in case Mr and Mrs Winyard next door (their daughter is a high flying barrister, their son something "big" in the City and their 4 year old granddaughter with a reading age of 9) overheard her. Those neighbours who have asked her where she's going on her mini-break have been fed a tissue of lies. "How can I tell the Winyards and the Morris-Whytes and the Anderson's that I'm going to Ibiza?" she demanded. According to her neighbours, she's merely going to Spain, the actual destination hasn't been mentioned. "If I mention culture and exhibitions, they'll think I've been to Madrid."

I did think, rather uncharitably, that she was ringing to somehow get out of the sure-to-be disastrous four day trip. The moment I heard her plummy vowel sounds I had visions of out-of-action-Exotic-Au-Pairs or Stephen with his leg in plaster and incapable of looking after himself. But she proved me wrong. As she always seems to.

She was also concerned "a smidgeon" that the captain won't be actually qualified to fly the plane. "I'm not saying that they use inexperienced flight crew but I can't imagine them having somebody called Captain Rodger Fortescue - more like Captain Derek Smith" she said haughtily. Rodger Fortescue was the captain who flew her back from Mauritius, "such a steady hand". I assured her that all of the flight crew were qualified and experienced in flying. And hoped for the best. She was silent but I could feel the "you just wait and see, you know I'm right" vibes over the telephone line. "Listen to yourself!" I said, unable to hold back my sniggers any more "Next thing, you'll be wanting to sit near the wing so you can keep an eye on it for the captain!"

Shouldn't have said that. She thought that was a good idea.