Bang bang

A bit of a day today. Whilst drinking coffee and eating jaffa cakes with cousin Janey and discussing the possibility of Darren actually signing for a "proper" football club during the summer, there was a loud bang and crunching of metal outside "Me Jeep!" Janey squealed as she stuck her head out of the, thankfully, open window. The jeep was safe, as were both of our cars - unfortunately the cars belonging to Bill Opposite and Martin, son of Jill with the Purple Door, were not. We both shot out, Janey teetering on four inch strappy sandals and me in my old faithful slippers. "You hit me!" Martin was booming with Bill Opposite bellowing "You 'ucking well hit me!" (Please note I have amended, everso slightly, the bad language because there's a lot of it contained within this post)

"You reversed into me!" Martin howled as Bill bent over his pride and joy and inspected the damage - there seemed to be a lot of it. "You 'ucking well reversed into me, didn't you see me reverse light?" Bill screamed. "You saw, you're my witness!" Martin yelled, suddenly including Janey and myself in this discussion. We both pointed out that we only heard, we didn't see. Martin gave us a gesture that led us to believe we were both in his bad books.

Bill Opposite is a huge tower of a man: 6 foot in his socks, broad, well muscled, shaven headed, covered in gold and tattooes and looks like he wrestles pitbulls for a hobby. Martin is five foot nothing, thin as a rake and favours nylon clothing. I merely point this out because it becomes relevant in a little while.

Into the fray stepped Frank Stewart - retired policeman, self styled Neighbourhood Association vigilante with a penchant for "doing things right". He had a notebook and he actually licked the nib of his pencil before he began writing. "Now then, now then" said Frank as he stepped between the warring factions. "Bugger me, it's Jimmy Saville" Janey muttered. "What happened?" continued PC Frank. Bill and Martin started talking at once.

It seemed that both men were in their cars, preparing to take their leave. Bill looked in his rear view mirror and reversed, as he thought, safely. Such a shame then that Martin thought and did exactly the same.

Into this scene ran Martin's wife Fay, earnest and vegetarian, she wouldnt mind me telling you that she's a librarian. "What's going on Martin? You've annihilated the Vectra!" "See!" said Bill rather smugly. "Even your wife reckons you're a crap driver!". Frank was writing down both car registrations and encouraging both men to exchange insurance details. "No way!" said Fay, bottom in the air as she inspected the damage to her precious Vauxhall. "We want his first, our car is newer than his.". Bill went as purple as Jill's door. "What? Mine's a 'ucking Porsche you silly 'ucking mare!"

Martin took a flying leap at Bill just as Bill bent down to inspect the mangled metal which meant Martin was floored as his stomach made contact with Bill's shaven head. "Oh my God!" Fay screamed as Martin buckled and hit the deck "You hooligan, you reprobate, you charlatan!" and she started laying into Bill with her organic handbag. "Oi Fay, oi Fay!" came a voice from along the road. "Is she Jewish?" Janey asked, as Jill shot along and joined the merry band. "Do something you idiot, he's killing him!" she said and shoved Frank in the chest. Bill was disappearing under handbag blows while Frank picked Martin up and leant him against Bill's Porsche. At which point the rear bumper fell off. "You...........!" Bill growled as he watched his beloved red Porsche fall apart.

At this point, two community police officers ambled into view. "It's the fuzz!" Bill hissed, sounding as if it wasn't the first time he'd ever uttered that phrase. "Good!" said Fay as she tended to her poor husband who hadn't breathed properly for about two minutes. "That's all I 'ucking need" said Bill, "you stupid 'ucking prat that can't 'ucking drive". "You can keep your potty mouth to yourself, you bring down the whole tone of The Avenue" Jill screeched. "At least he's not prissy like what you are!" so spoke Jane Opposite as she hung out of her bedroom window, all leopard print negligee and panda eyes at quarter to eleven in the morning.

The community police officers arrived just as Frank attempted to gain control of the situation by the laying on of hands. "Get your hands off my husband, you deviant!" Fay bellowed as Bill warned Frank "I mean it, I'll have you!" which made Janey laugh so much she slid off the window ledge. When Marjorie, who was now hovering on her front path wearing a frilly apron and cerise leggings called across "He should be so lucky my love!", she laughed until she cried.