Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Cold calling

Ding dong on my doorbell at ten to eleven this morning. Cue young gentleman wearing sharp pinstriped suit, black hornrimmed glasses, overpowering amounts of aftershave and a sickly grin. "Good morning, I represent Doodah Electric and would like to talk to you about changing your electricity supplier!" No thank you very much, said I as I attempted to edge the door closed. Out came a foot which was jammed in my door. "I think you'll find that we are the best electricity supplier in the world and would undercut your current electricity bill by many many pounds" (I'm paraphrasing here you understand). "And I think you'll find that we are perfectly happy with our current electricity supplier and don't wish to change it".
"Is the man of the house in?" This really gets my goat, as if the Little Woman is unable to make any "important" decisions.

"No, the man of the house is out at work at the moment and would not speak to you anyway, even if he were here"

"Let me show you some literature that will underline exactly what Doodah Electric can do for you" this comment was accompanied by a move towards actually forcing open my front door and entering my house.

"Let me show you my three dogs who would quite happily do something for you that may require a visit to the nearest A&E department if you step one unsolicited foot inside my property." Happily all three woofers were barking in the background at this point.

"Thank you for your time" said Doodah Electric man as he beat a hasty retreat.

To reassure you, all three dogs were in the garden barking at Nero, Marjorie Stewart's cat who has taken to sitting on the fence just out of their reach and doing the feline equivalent of a "yah boo sucks to you" gesture. If I had Doodah Electric man on the premises, Senior Dog would be frisking him for Polo's, Middle Dog would be sniffing his shoes and Junior Dog would be dribbling all over him.

Fade in, fade out to quarter to four this afternoon. I had broken my neck to get in the door to answer the ringing phone, falling over Junior Dog and Mac who has taken to dawdling along while singing the theme tune to Postman Pat.

"Hello!" I said breathlessly. "Good afternoon madam, I'm calling from Voodoo Phone and would like to offer you the chance of upgrading to a brand new Raspberry" said a cheery female voice. "No thank you, I'm perfectly happy (hah!) with my current mobile phone and provider" I said, already to cut off my cold caller.

"Yes but with a Raspberry you can manage your life effortlessly with......" "My life would still be unmanaged, even if I had a crack team of Personal Assistants managing my every move" I cut in and advised her that I was going to hang up. Which I did. Not 30 seconds later she rang back. "We must have got cut off!" she chirruped. "No we didn't, I cut you off. Kindly go away." I added as I hung up again, muttering. The phone rang again and I ignored it, singing "lalalala, can't hear you!". When I'd finished I overheard Mac telling Senior Dog that "mummy has lost it".

Again, more fading out and more fading in until just as we were sitting down to dinner. Ding dong on the doorbell. David got up to answer it and the same overpowering stench of aftershave pervaded the kitchen. "No thank you" I heard David say firmly as I called out "The dogs are here and they haven't had their dinner yet!".

David returned to the table, a mystified look on his face. "He was just getting into his spiel about Doodah Electric when he heard you, went pale and practically vaulted the gate."

I'm waging a cold war against cold callers.

7 comments:

DulwichDivorcee said...

Still giggling, NMO, you have so cheered up my Thursday ....mind you, that Raspberry sounds jolly good .....x

Millennium Housewife said...

Hello Nunhead Mum Of One can I interest you in a change-your-life-forever rock? It's a special rock that does, well exactly that, change your life forever. It's a cold caller repelling rock (TM) available to you free with our compliments. Just send £1567.24 postage and shipping to The Millennium Housewife Retirment Fund and said rock is yours. Remember it's free to our special customers. MH

Belle said...

NMOO you are sooo good. I am a walkover.. I let them in, make them a cup of tea, let them sell me everything, give them my credit cards, let them play with my children.

I wish I could be tough like you..

Maybe I should get a dog?

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Good job the dogs were there, even if they were more interested in the cat. But fancy asking to see the man of the house. That would have warranted a frying pan over the head in my house. Or at least a brush up the backside.

CJ xx

aims said...

Please put me on your do not call list.....mind you - is always takes a long time for them to actually take a breath so you can slip that in...but they don't have a choice then.

I hate them. Wasters of precious time.

Merry said...

I really needed to read this tonight.
I'm huddled in my office pretending that I'm Not Home even though yes, the lights /are/ all on in the living room and the dog barks every time the door-to-door salesman knocks.

Hmph ... even a German Shepherd (Alsatian) isn't enough to discourage /some/ salesmen :(

Nunhead Mum of One said...

DD - yes it does doesn't it!

MH, can I wait until I get paid before I apply for the wonder rock? Thanks!

Belle - I learnt the hard way. A few years back I had a Kirby hoover salesman here for three and a half hours and he only left because I bought a Kirby (at that time it was about a grand)....I'd only been married for three months, we very nearly reached the divorce courts I can tell you!

CJ - my dander was up!

Aims - exactly. Grrr!

Merry - remember, you don't have to answer your door to anyone you don't want to!

All about me

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Nunhead, London, United Kingdom
I'm a mum of one, wife of one and owner to several dogs, a variety of breeds and sizes. I live in the up and coming area (or so they say) of Nunhead and have mad neighbours, strange friends and certifiable relatives. I shop locally, although I do defect to Sainsburys once a week - shoot me now local shopkeepers.