Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Santa baby

From: Joanna Mitchell

Dear Santa

Well done on the whole technological update! My pride and joy is a tad concerned that you haven’t got his list as he used the more traditional method of sending it to you – up Auntie Bea’s chimney. You can’t miss it: it’s got a gigantic reindeer on the envelope and reeks of Coco Chanel (Flavia the au pair bathes in it).

You may find it a little unusual for a thirty-burble year old woman to write to you but I’ve been touched by a little Christmas magic (aka the first mulled wine of the year), and found your email address written on a scrap of paper so I thought I'd give it a go.

To make it easier for you I’ll let you know the following first: I have been a very good girl. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if I wasn’t top of your Good List. Not just near the top but actually at the top of the very top. I’m also incorporating some of my friends lists here as well – this has two benefits. One, you get a concise list of our Christmas wishes and two you won’t have to wade through lots of lists so, really, I’m saving you time.

Oh. Mac has just asked me to ask you to check if Rudolph liked the chocolate chip cookies we left out for him last year. The poor child deliberated for ages before deciding on the cookies and wants to know if his decision was a good one.


For Christmas this year Santa, I’d like the entire Philosophy range (favouring Pure Grace on the fragrance front). If this isn’t possible then a few choice items would suffice – ask Mrs Christmas if you get a bit stuck as she strikes me as the sort of woman to know her exfoliating scrub from her bubble bath.

I’d also quite like something sparkly for either my fingers or my wrist And a nice watch, something that can withstand regular immersion in hot water, dribbling dogs and the occasional plummet onto a not-always-carpeted-floor.

I’d also quite like George Clooney. However, so does Tara and Potty Mummy so some sort of time share would need to be worked out. I’m sure George would be agreeable, we’re pretty damn fabulous. Tara would quite like David Tennant, that bloke from Spooks (she doesn’t clarify which one so perhaps all of them) or Hugh Jackman. If you come up trumps Santa, she’s in for a busy festive period!

Nappy Valley Girl would like Matthew Macfadeyn too – and if you could get his wife to stop making those ridiculous make up adverts that would be fab.

The Dotterel wants a quiet time please – he re-lived the Nativity this time last year so I think he deserves it!

Oh, Potty would like a stress-free spouse – can I put in for that too? As an additional present? Oh and NVG wants a voucher that turns her into a calm and collected mother who never screams at her children and thinks up interesting, craft related things for them to do indoors……wow, my list just got longer!

My husband David would like a chocolate fountain. That’s it. He’s not greedy.

My dad would like new knees. But without the pain, inconvenience or discomfort of actually having them surgically replaced. If he could just wake up one morning to find they’re both brand spanking new then that would be fantastic. If possible, could you let him know the date in advance?

Cousin Janey wants some relief from her piles. I’ve suggested a soft cushion but she can’t find any she likes so I thought maybe the elves could whip something up for her?

Auntie Ivy would like her own car, it hasn’t got to be a new one – in fact an older model would suit her driving style (reckless). She’s not too fussy about what one it is as long as it’s red.

Bea would like a never ending supply from Jimmy Choo/Manolo Blahnik/Christian Laboutin. Have you heard about the “win a bouquet of flowers every week for a whole year” competitions? Well, Bea would like to benefit from a “receive every single new designer shoe for the rest of your natural days” gift.

Lydia’s request is very simple. She wants to go to bed at a reasonable hour and stay asleep until a reasonable hour and for her baby boy to follow suit. Freddie doesn’t know the meaning of the word “sleep” and is trying to achieve a non-sleeping record for both mother and baby. We’re expecting the Guinness Book of Records to ring any day now.

Charlie wants everything. To be honest, she doesn’t know what she wants so very helpfully said “surprise me” when I asked her what she’d like for Christmas, which was closely followed with “everything”. I’ll leave this particular one for you to decipher – you’ve had experience of dealing with difficult customers.

Right. Well, I think that’s it, thank you. I’m about to press send…..and “test” some more mulled wine.

Lots of love from
Nunhead Mum xx


Anonymous said...

Think you might be on track for a few surprises there.

CJ xx

Potty Mummy said...

Absolutely fabulous, NH Mum. A time share would be great, though if you do get through to the man in red could you tell him if he's run out of GC's then I would be just as happy with a Daniel Craig?

Potty Mummy said...

and so sorry, but I've tagged you - twice. I'm nothing if not efficient...

Bush Mummy said...

Please could I have a bit of Daniel Craig and also Lucas from Spooks who is definitely dishy.

Thank you.
BM x

nappy valley girl said...

Fantastic letter. Totally agree with you about Matthew's wife and makeup ads!

The Dotterel said...

What kind thoughts. And we did, too - the Russian Orthodox nativity (only without the lowing cattle - the maternity ward wasn't really that bad!)

Working mum said...

Ha ha! Very good. Can I ask for a new set of lungs or, failing that, just a shed load of chocolate? I've been very good, really!

All about me

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Nunhead, London, United Kingdom
I'm a mum of one, wife of one and owner to several dogs, a variety of breeds and sizes. I live in the up and coming area (or so they say) of Nunhead and have mad neighbours, strange friends and certifiable relatives. I shop locally, although I do defect to Sainsburys once a week - shoot me now local shopkeepers.