Weighty issues

Bea rang just as Peter Kay was finishing on Channel 4. David handed the phone to me without a word and I said the fateful words "Hi Bea, what's up?"

"We have just been thrown out of Weight Watchers. Asked to leave. Physically escorted from the community centre. Banned from coming back. Ever. Enormous Au Pair has not lost a single pound. Oh I knew something was up when she claimed period pains last week and a bad head cold the week before. She's put on seven and a half pounds. In a fortnight."

"I have never been so ashamed in all my life. Mrs Carter-Smythe's Lady That Does was there and will no doubt report back. EAP had not only put on seven and a half pounds she damn well nearly broke the scales as she lumbered onto them. When the Caring Group Leader informed her that she'd put weight on, her face took on this repulsed look, you know, the look you reserve for a can of tuna. Then EAP lolloped back to the seat where I was cowering, dived into my bag and came out with a six pack of Kit Kats."

"I didn't know where to put myself, but the look of pure horror on all of the faces was enough to propel me off my seat. The ungrateful wench must have sneaked them into my bag when we were paying for petrol. I certainly didn't buy them and certainly didn't pay for them so now I'm a thief as well and won't be able to show my face at the Jet garage ever again. Caring Group Leader was looking physically repulsed as EAP shovelled wafer biscuit into her greedy grasping mouth. It was then that we were asked to leave and the Building Caretaker was called. He took one look at EAP and nearly turned the water hoses on us. I am absolutely furious! Do you know what she did when we were at the traffic lights by Spyros' Place? Had the audacity and bare faced cheek to ask me to pull over so she could get a large doner and chips! I am absolutely livid and am thinking about taking her to Harley Street, something's not right obviously, when someone can eat a six pack of Kit Kats in seven minutes flat?"

The dialling tone was sounding in my ear for a few seconds before I realised she'd hung up. I wasn't too concerned: my role in these one sided conversations is to listen and to ensure that she's actually hung up and not just pausing for breath before I click on the "end call" button.