Hen Pecked

Janey visited last Friday in a state of high dudgeon – Darren has booked a stag weekend in Tenerife the weekend before The Wedding. “I told him!” She said shrilly as she barged past me into the house “He’s got to cancel it. I’m not having him getting up to all sorts in Tenerife with that bunch of morons he calls his friends”. Janey had clearly been on the sun-bed or at the fake tan – she was a nice shade of orange that clashed with my laminate flooring. She was practically glowing like a beacon. “And do you know what he said?” she went on, slithering onto the sofa. “He said no, he’s going! Can you believe that?” “Well. I’ve sorted something out for me too!” she added smugly.

“I spoke to Charlie!” she said triumphantly, switching the television channel to MTV Base and nodding her head in time to the music. Charlie who, I enquired. She looked at me as if I was a bit simple. “Your friend Charlie of course. The one with the new massively rich boyfriend!” Janey rates people according to how much money they or their partners have. Have I mentioned that she’s shallower than a shallow paddling pool? “I bumped into her in The Glades last night, we had a coffee and I told her all about bloody Darren and she rang her rich boyfriend and he’s offered us his villa in Ibiza for the whole weekend for nothing! All we’ve got to do is pay for flights and stuff!” She did a little jiggle in time to Beyonce.

The villa has its own pool, spacious terrace complete with barbecue and sleeps 15 in various permutations in the eight bedrooms. It’s got six bathrooms, air-con, dishwasher, washing machine, surround sound CD player and maid service. It’s ten minutes drive away from Ibiza Town and 3 miles from the nearest beach. “You’ll love it” she said ominously.

Me? “Well, you’ve worked so hard getting all this together” she said, the first time she’s mentioned my Herculean efforts in a non-derogatory sense. The guest list includes the bride, the brides mother, the grooms mother, The Wedding Planner, Charlie, Bea (as mother of bridesmaid), Darren’s cousin Sue (as mother of two bridesmaids) and 8 of Janey’s closest friends – although Tracey Benedict is not getting an invitation because she said the wedding dress made Janey look fat. Janey was now bouncing around on the sofa “We can go from Stansted, it’ll be great, first thing Thursday until late Sunday. Come on, it’ll be a laugh!”

David thinks I should go – he’s taking the Thursday and Friday off to be in charge at home and spent most of the time since Googling “Ibiza” to see what’s on offer. Amazingly, Bea thinks I should go because “I’d quite like some sun and the pool looks heavenly and I’m not going without you”. Charlie has told me I’m coming “It’ll do you good to get away and I can’t cope with your family on my own”. Mac thinks I should go as long as I bring him back a present and “something Spanish”.

It seems I’m going to Ibiza!!