Ex Excess

Janey just rang in a foul temper – The Wedding is going a little too smoothly for my liking so it’s about time we have a disaster. Cynical? Moi? Apparently, whilst trawling through the list of RSVPs with Auntie Ivy at lunchtime (we’re doing the table plan soon, I’ve set a whole day aside), Janey spotted an erroneous name. “He’s only bleeping invited his bleeping ex bleeping girlfriend, the bleep” she growled. Following this discovery, a Discussion was held at which Auntie Ivy suggested a number of options available to her daughter. She took the only one available to her. “Well, I rang him and told him” Janey continued, practically savaging the receiver. “Your bleeping ex bleeping girlfriend is NOT bleeping darkening the door of the bleeping, parping church” Honestly, she was incandescent with rage.

And with little wonder. Whatever possessed Darren (a man not admittedly blessed with an abundance of brain cells) to invite his incredibly recent ex girlfriend Melanie to his wedding? Some sort of misplaced loyalty? An opportunity to gloat? Whatever it was, she’s been struck off the list and banished to the dark side of the moon. “If she turns up, I’ll rip her bleeping, parping head off” Janey promised. Darren has until tomorrow evening to break the news to Melanie. Lucky him.

I’d feel the same, I must admit. There was a time, during the run-up to my very own nuptials, that I thought that David might start considering inviting his ex-wife Kate to join the shin-dig. Their divorce, whilst not entirely amicable, at least allowed them to be on speaking terms and, although Matthew was 20 at the time, they remained civil for his sake. In fact, David admitted a few months after our wedding, he thought it would have been “nice” to ask her along, just for the reception. I’m not sure I would have been happy about that. I’ve only met Kate twice – the first time was by accident as I left David’s flat, six months into our relationship when Kate arrived with some post for him and the last time was at our second Christmas as husband and wife when we were all at their Godson’s school play. She sent an “It’s a boy!” card when Mac was born but nothing other than that. Of course, Amelia still sees her and tells us all about it whenever she does. At length.

Kate is very refined, elegant and has a whole tree full of plums in her mouth. Amelia was therefore distraught to learn that David had “taken up” with me: someone who is loud, clumsy and sometimes drops my aitches when tired or merry. Distraught is not the word actually, she wore black to the wedding and had a face like she was chewing a wasp throughout the reception. I overheard her say to her husband, five minutes after the cake had been cut “How ever could he lower himself?”. That pretty much set the scene for our future relationship – she thinks I’m below her family and I think she’s a malicious old bag.

Anyway, I’m sure that now I could cope with meeting Kate. I may have to. Matthew is making brave stabs at getting Lydia to hold a housewarming party – her housemate is out of the country until the end of May – to which he promises he’d invite “mum to meet you”. David assures me after every time Amelia mentions Saint Kate that we’d get on together but I notice him raise his eyes to heaven each time he says it.