Monday, 18 May 2009

Disturbing times

David has found a house for us. In Tunbridge Wells. Five minutes (five minutes!) walk away from his mother's residential home It's perfect, apparently. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, huge garden/paddock, in our price range "but I reckon the guy will be happy to take a cut", needs little or no work doing on it, has room in the driveway for both cars AND the man's wife is called Joanna so it's fate. Apparently. Oh, and David thinks that it would be better to move there permanently rather than just use it as a weekend place.

You can imagine my delight and joy, on returning from queuing for play off tickets for four hours, to be told this - it was ten minutes before I could formulate words other than "what?" and "huh?".

Whilst out buying an entire pig for his mothers freezer (and half a cow for ours) David said he was hit with a blinding thought: why not move out of London? This was half prompted by the glorious fresh air pouring in through the open car window and the fact that Steve At Work has just decamped his entire family to Sedlescombe and "commutes in, takes just twenty minutes more than it would from Swanley" where they used to live.

I could brain Steve At Work.

And of course, once he drove past The New House (he's taken to calling it this already) he saw the man from the estate agents putting up the For Sale sign and demanded a tour there and then. Amelia is delighted, naturally and is already looking for removal firms.

When I regained the use of my mouth and brain function I pointed out to him (everso calmly I thought) that I would rather have my bits Brazilian waxed every day than move to Tunbridge Wells. He asked me why. I snorted in a very unladylike fashion and switched on the kettle before hitting him between the eyes with the following:

- I don't want to live permanently in Tunbridge Wells
- I don't want to move permanently anywhere
- I don't want to move anywhere near his mother
- I don't care if the "new" bathroom is painted sky blue, I'll go to B&Q tomorrow
- I don't understand where the HELL this has come from
- We can't take Mac out of school now he's settled
- The dogs are London dogs
- I'd miss Ayres too much (sad, but true)
- I would have to change the name of my blog and that's just plain wrong

Okay, so I didn't actually voice the last point out loud but I was thinking it very loudly in my head.

He answered with the following:

- Why?
- Why?
- I can see your point
- Okay, also see if they have a tile with a shell motif on it in toning colours
- It's a possibility we can talk about
- Better now he's not even a year in than later on when he's more established
- The dogs love the countryside (then turning to all three hounds and saying "don't oo?!" in a very irritating way)
- Don't be silly, there are bakers in Tunbridge Wells! (Blasphemy!)
- Why are you glaring at me?

We have left it somewhat up in the air. He hasn't actually said any more about it since Saturday evening when I sulked my way through the Eurovision Song Contest (I don't watch it as a rule but I was proving a point) and he pointed out that "that Turkish woman" looked a bit like the current owner of The New House. I glared at him for a full two minutes before he picked up his Dick Francis.

I have, of course, discussed it with my friends and family (all day Sunday spent on the phone and/or MSN Messenger) and their comments/suggestions are listed below:

Bea: "Darling, Tunbridge Wells? Don't do it. It's in Kent."
Saskia: "Convince him it'll be perfect as a weekend place only and that if you move out of London he won't be able to cope without all the pollution and he'll keel over"
Charlie: "You are kidding me? Five minutes from Amelia every day? Does he want to become an orphan?"
Janey: "Hah! Don't tell me mother, she'll be badgering you for your spare room"
Auntie Ivy: "Oooh, can I come and stay? My friend Elsie lives there but I can't stay at hers cos I'm allergic to her Foofy"
Janey, again: "Tell her the house is next to a cattery, she's allergic to cats"
Marjorie Stewart: "You can't move! Frank won't have anyone to flirt with"
Jack Next Door: "Good luck, let me know if you need any help in the garden"
Lydia: "Noooooooooooooooooooo, don't go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jane Opposite: "Tell him to eff off! Tunbridge Wells? Eff me, is he having a laugh?"

You can see my quandry can't you? Whilst I want to support my husband and entertain all of his little ideas blah, blah, blah I don't actually want to do any of that. Selfish? Yes. I admit it. I'm bloody selfish and all I want to do is revert to my five year old self and scream "Don't Want To!" at the top of my voice until he sees reason.

But I know I have to play the long game (use my feminine wiles, as Marjorie put it this morning) and make him think it's a Terrible Idea whilst making him think that he thought it was a Terrible Idea. If you see what I mean. I'm sorry, I'm rambling now.

Tunbridge Wells Ramblings. No, can't see it to be honest.

24 comments:

rosiero said...

Definitely a "yours disgusted of Tunbridge Wells"! Maybe divorce is another option!

Rowan said...

don't move anywhere near your in-laws, its one of nature's immutable laws.

Nunhead Mum of One said...

I know that it's nothing compared with everyone else's troubles but....humph! I don't cope well with change!

aims said...

Oh dear Gawds! As soon as I read 5 minutes from Amelia I almost fainted!

Noooooooooooooooo! Don't do it!

Utah Savage said...

I'm a Yank, so I know nothing of Tunbridge Wells, but when you mentioned the mum-in- law I screamed NOOOO!!!! Don't do it." Dig in your heels, refuse sex or food or any comfort at all until he relents. Say, "Well darling, now you have a place to live after I divorce you, you thoughtless bastard!!!

Merry said...

Noooooooo!!!!!!

Can you compromise and get a nice little bungalow in a war zone instead?

thebakehouseboy said...

I can safely say there are no bakers in the whole of Kent, so thats settled you cant move.

Vince

Lynda said...

Re the 3rd/spare/toy room. You have considered that Amelia might decide to save herself the 5 minute walk and MOVE IN? Just thought I'd throw that in!

Working mum said...

Why do men get these ideas about moving their families away from everything they know and love, while they continue to go to work in the same place. It's just a change of bedroom to them! Put your lovely stiletto down, Nunhead or Nothing!

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Roserio....I have mentioned it once or four times

Rowan....seriously, I'll implode if I lived within the same postcode as my mother in law

Aims....that's five minutes walking so like two in the car which is just too plain horrific to even contemplate

Utah Savage.....my "no cooking, no talking, no bedroom shenanigans" seem to be having the desired effect but it's early days yet

Merry....I've told him that yes, he can buy the house in Tunbridge Wells but he'll be living in it with his mother

Thebakehouseboy....thanks for this info, more ammunition. I cannot be without Ayres and the doughnuts/sausage rolls/chicken tikka doorsteps.....etc

Lynda....the thought had crossed my mind. And very possibly Amelia's which is why she's so pro the whole idea

Working Mum....he thinks it'll be "lovely" to live in the country but, as I've pointed out to him: every Millwall home game will take a whole day to get there and back, Pizza Hut will NOT deliver and I will go stark staring bloody bonkers and will take it out on him. Even as I type he's out in the garden pondering this.

DulwichDivorcee said...

OMG, NMO, you simply cannot leave Nunhead!! I'm afraid it really isn't on. We can't lose another to the so-called 'country'!

Mark said...

No no no.

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All about me

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Nunhead, London, United Kingdom
I'm a mum of one, wife of one and owner to several dogs, a variety of breeds and sizes. I live in the up and coming area (or so they say) of Nunhead and have mad neighbours, strange friends and certifiable relatives. I shop locally, although I do defect to Sainsburys once a week - shoot me now local shopkeepers.