“I need about three quiches, at least 100 sausage rolls and some carrots cut up into poncy little sticks so we can dip ‘em in the gua….gwa….that green stuff that looks like a face mask”. This was Janey’s opening gambit when I answered my ringing mobile this afternoon. It seems we have dispensed with the usual greetings in my family: I spoke to Auntie Daisy this morning who greeted me with “Do you know of a hairdresser for a woman of my age that doesn’t do blue rinses?” and yesterday Bea responded to my “hello!” with “Do you know that that bloody girl has gone and done now?” It seems that On the Point of Anorexia Now Au Pair took Ian and Caitlin to Surrey Quays Shopping Centre and bought them a box of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts from Tescos. Each. “The poor darlings are projectile vomiting pure sugar!” Bea wailed. I quite forgot why I was ringing her.
Anyway. Janey. Scarlett’s christening is this Sunday and Janey has been let down by “Darren’s aunt Lola who can’t do the quiches or the sausage rolls now because she’s going to a bike rally now on the Saturday and won’t have time” And the carrot sticks and guacamole, I enquired. Janey paused to burp delicately “Sorry, bloody heartburn, I reckon this baby is lighting a fire in there. Right. Well. I had a chat with Bea the other day and she suggested that we go a bit upmarket with the food”. “Upmarket?” I said with a raised eyebrow, remembering almost word for word Bea’s recent email on the subject.
“Yeah, apparently, chicken nuggets, pork pies and mini eggs aren’t exactly the done thing.” Janey went on, sounding fairly miffed “So I thought we’d counter balance it with some posh nosh, soooooooooo, instead of chicken nuggets I’m going for goujons with barbecued sauce for dipping rather than ketchup. Would mini Kievs be better than mini eggs?”
I professed not to know. I really didn’t want Bea standing there with a stone cold mini Kiev and glaring at me accusingly. I’ve agreed to buy the quiches, refused point blank to have anything to do with sausage rolls and promised to buy a strawberry gateau from Ayres. Just as I was saying goodbye and about to hang up she bellowed “Oh, and can you get me some of that gwak-crap too? If I see anything gloopy at the moment I want to throw up! ”
Our farewells are going the same way as our greetings I fear.