In Nunhead, no-one can hear you scream

I'm not panicking. No way Pedro. I'm cool, calm and collected. Serenity personified I am. So what that I don't have a new outfit with which to face the First Mrs David Mitchell on Sunday at my step-grandson's Christening. So what if the outfit I had planned to wear (after dragging it from the depths of my wardrobe and spritzing it with a bit of Pure Grace) doesn't actually fit me any more. Pah! Worried, moi?

I'm not at all bothered that David arrived home this evening, scalped. He'd been to the barbers for a "quick cut" because "Kate never did like my hair brushing the back of my collar" and now looks like he's had an argument with a combine harvester. I'm not at all worried about the fact that he's done this when he knows that I like his hair slightly longer. I'm certainly not stressing about the fact that he's thinking of his first wife and her penchant for short hair. Chuh!

I am not at all remotely interested in the fact that Amelia is arriving tomorrow evening with her photograph albums to "show round at the party". And I'm certainly not worried that she's "not bringing" mine and David's wedding album to show Kate because "well, she won't be interested, will she?"

I'm not obsessing that, after demanding my help for the last couple of weeks to source balloons, the perfect cake, the snazziest table decorations and the most fantastic DJ ever, Lydia has decided that she can run the show herself from now on. David thinks that this is a good thing as it'll give me the chance to "mingle and not worry about circulating the vol-au-vents".

So, I'm not worried. Completely disinterested in the whole lot of it. You know why? Because I have a cunning plan, drawn up whilst hoovering up Baileys at a vast rate of knots ce soir.

a) go out tomorrow and buy whole new outfit. Including shoes.

b) go to Shear Class for my hair appointment on Saturday and demand to made "fabulous". Also go to nail bar and have classy French manicure stuck on.

c) display my wedding photo proudly at the "do" after the christening (okay, so this bit of the plan may need a bit more work, ie, how to actually work the whole aspect into the day)

d) be gracious when Lydia claims all of the credit for the fantastic food, venue, balloons (again, this may need a bit more work, I don't usually do gracious)

e) stick close to Bea on the day itself in the vain hope that I absorb some of her poise, graciousness, serenity and calm by osmosis.

f) breathe deeply. At all times.